English: Dublin Philharmonic Orchestra in perf...

Time for a little levity… Lifted from the UI horn studio web site, shamelessly adapted from a viral internet post on jazz band fines…

Orchestra Fines for Horn Players

Coming Late to rehearsal: $100

Coming Late to Performance: $500

Not Showing up at All: $400

Forgetting music: $50

Forgetting instrument: $100

Bringing wrong instrument: $150

Not noticing: $250

Not warming up: $50

Obnoxious show-off warm-up: $500

Playing highest note possible during warm-up: $107

Warming up with Principal Horn’s solos: Lethal Injection

Staring at Principal during solo: Burning at stake

Emptying water during Principal’s solo: Electrocution

Littleneck clams, small hard clams, species Me...

Giving advice to principal after a clam: Hanging

Playing principal’s solo correctly after principal clams: Applause, followed by being fed to piranhas.

Pointing out to principal that Player X on your CD at home never misses that solo: Firing squad

Telling principal after a clam what your teacher always told you: Dismemberment

Humming along with principal during solo: $500

Playing along with principal during solo: $1000

Badly: $10,000, dismissal, and an appearance on Jay Leno

Leaving brand new copy of Kopprasch on principal’s stand after principal clams the last note of Short Call: $8

Blaming clam on prescription medication: $20

Blaming clam on violas: $5

Blaming clam on conductor: $2

Blaming clam on weather: $40

Blaming clam on practicing too much: $80

Surcharge for blaming clam on anyone/anything: $100

Raising hand after clam in rehearsal: $15

Raising hand after clam in concert: $150

Pointing to the player next to you after clam in rehearsal: $50

Same, in concert: $500

Bad intonation: $50

On purpose: $500

Taking solo down an octave: $15

Taking solo up an octave: $150

Playing wrong piece: $250

Not noticing: $500

Tapping foot: $10

Tapping both feet: $50

Not together: $100

Playing Bb when oboe tunes the orchestra: $75

Faking section into early entrance: $10

Faking self into early entrance: $50

Missing entrance while reading bestseller: $10

Missing entrance while talking to colleague: $20

Missing entrance while sleeping: $30

Missing entrance while counting carefully: $50

Missing entrance and conductor doesn’t notice: $100 bonus in paycheck

Not knowing the count when the player to your right gives you a panicked look: $15

Not knowing who the player on your right is: $25

Failure to transpose: $25

Transposing to the wrong key: $15

Asking colleague how to transpose: $50

Asking conductor how to transpose: $100

During concert: $500

Asking conductor if part in question is B alto or B basso: $500

Playing too loud: $20

Playing too soft: $5

Forgetting mute: $10

Dropping mute: $20

Twice: $100

During solo: $200

Twice: $400

Dropping horn: $100 (plus repairs)

Forgetting to transpose with brass mute: $30

Forgetting pencil: $25

Using pen instead: $75

Forgetting to wear concert dress: $50

Forgetting to bathe: $75

Repeat violations: $150

Forgetting mouthpiece: $20

Forgetting to put on screw rim: $25 + medical bills

Bragging about horn make and model: $250

Unresolved digestive tract issues: $20

During first horn’s solos: $40

Repeat violations: $80

Playing only swing 8th notes: $35

Beginning sentence: “When I subbed in Chicago”: $75

Beginning sentence: “Who is this Beethoven guy?”: $750

Coming drunk to rehearsal: $50

Coming drunk to concert: $100

Practicing drunk: $250

Giggling during viola solos: $5

Continuously asking “Where are we?”: $25

Sucking up to conductor after rehearsal: $30

Sucking up to conductor during rehearsal: $40

Sucking up to conductor after concert: $50

Sucking up to conductor during concert: $300

Pretending to be friends with string players: $10

Actually being friends with string players: $20

Lending money to string players: $50

Dating string players: $75

(If string player is violist, all fines doubled)

Pretending to be friends with conductor: $500

Dating conductor: $1000

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